4. Love Yourself
“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
- Lucille Ball
Owing who you are and bringing value into the world requires two things: knowing yourself and loving yourself. Although revealing your authentic self can be quite the process, I've found that loving yourself is where the hard work begins.
We don't often think about self-love. We tend to take it for granted... of course we love ourselves. But that's not how we act. Our focus is external, directed toward other people, goals and things. We have forgotten how to look within and when we do, we often don't like what we see.
Not convinced? Ask someone about a beloved child, grandchild, spouse, sibling or best friend and they can immediately tell you all sorts of reasons why that person brings joy to their life. Then ask them what they love about themselves. Crickets.
It's simply not done. Why? We learn early on that loving yourself is selfish. We shouldn't think so much of ourselves. It's not polite. People don't like that.
The message we receive is if you value yourself and happen to mention it, ever, you won't belong. We learn that love and attention are reserved for others. While that's an important component of meaningful relationships, it's not the entire picture.
What we have collectively failed to realize is that we can't be fully be present for others if we don't know how to be present for ourselves. Not to mention that a laser focus on others without room for the self can lead to codependent, emotionally crippling relationships. And there are lots of those around.
Loving yourself is not about conceit. It's not about bragging or trying to prove that you're better than someone else. It's about returning to your natural way of being.
Ask a young child what they love about themselves. They will likely share all sorts of reasons why they are special, interesting and worthy. But over time we are conditioned to stop doing what comes natural to fit in, not stand out too much. Belong.
Learning to accept myself for who I am and truly love myself has been a struggle. It's a never-ending practice. The conditioning runs deep.
How do you start to love yourself again?
6 ways to love yourself
1. Stop the Habit of Negative Self Talk
Enough with the negative self-talk already.
While I'm a pretty confident person and have this near fanatical belief that I can do anything I set my mind to, I still practice more than my fair share of negative self-talk. Breaking that habit has been one of the hardest challenges of my life.
It's embedded somewhere deep. Half the time I don't even know why it comes up, but it's my go-to at the first sign of doubt. It comes up so quickly that by the time I notice the thought, that familiar feeling of dread has already washed over me. For that moment I'm convinced I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy of love. I should just crawl in a hole and die.
If you're like me, this type of ridiculousness isn't even reserved for the big stuff. Those nasty soul-sucking thoughts can pop up for the silliest reasons. Locked your keys in the car? Idiot. Said the wrong thing? Unworthy of human contact. Forgot to take your coffee to work? Worthless.
Unfortunately I'm not alone. Pretty much every person I've ever known discounts themselves. Out loud. A lot. I can only imagine the internal dialog going on. If it's anything like mine, it can get dark and dramatic in a hurry.
We didn't start out this way. What happened? Another bad habit, reinforced over time.
Ready to silence your inner critic once and for all?
Try this: As soon as that ugly little thought pops into your mind, notice it and challenge it. Let's say your go-to is that you're stupid, for reasons big and small. Begin by noticing the thought. Recognize how negative and unproductive it is. Then combat the negativity by thinking about all the brilliant things you do. Evidence that you, in fact, are not an idiot.
It sounds simple, but it works. The thoughts won't stop right away. But over time, the ugly can't survive your love. They'll give up eventually.
2. Realize that Perfection is an Illusion
Much of my negative self-talk results from the insanely high standards I've set for myself. I expect something of myself that I would never dream of imposing on another person - flawless performance. I'm a recovering perfectionist.
For me, this started as a defense mechanism. If I could just do everything perfectly, I wouldn't cause a problem for anyone. I'd be a good kid that no one really had to bother messing with. I could fly under the radar, undetected. I'd be safe.
Over time it became less about defense and more about habit, reinforced with success. I've come to visualize perfectionism as a spectrum. On one end stagnation occurs when the desire to be flawless outweighs the ability to get something done. It's paralyzing to the individual and causes issues at work, at home, in relationships. It's also agonizing due to the nearly constant self-torture. At some point discomfort sets in and the perfectionist may realize that something needs to change.
In the middle, you have the procrastinating perfectionist. Long bouts of self torture cause difficulties in getting started and result in being late on getting things done, but they're getting by.
On the other end of the spectrum you'll find a dangerous breed of perfectionist. One that tortures themselves just long enough to finally call something good and get it out into the world. The dreaded productive perfectionist.
Why is this so dangerous? The associated self-destructive behaviors can be nearly impossible to detect and correct because the traditional model of success favors the high-achieving, productive perfectionist.
Behind many perfect grade point averages, impressive job offers, raises, bonuses, promotions, awards, or accolades of any kind lurks a productive perfectionist.
Is perfectionism all that bad if it's working for you? Yes. I would argue that it's not working for you. Not in the long run. As a productive perfectionist, I have found that the short-term results are not worth the undue stress, energy depletion and self-degradation.
Luckily, there's another way to get results. The solution starts with recognizing perfection for what it is... an illusion we create out of fear to keep our fragile sense of self safe out of harm's way.
Somewhere deep inside we perfectionists believe that there is some pinnacle of awesomeness and flawlessness that will shield us from all harm to ensure our perpetual belonging. It simply doesn't exist. We can never achieve it. Therefore, perfectionism leads to suffering.
I've learned only somewhat recently that you can do amazing work without torturing yourself. Say whaaa? Get. Out. For a long time I was afraid that if I released the perfectionism, my results would suffer. Turns out I was wrong.
You can and must separate the outcomes you desire from perfectionism. The key is to keep the good habits and ditch the fear and masochism. It's more about the process than the result.
Want to start achieving out of love and acceptance rather than through fear?
Try this: Start by imagining you're setting expectations for someone else. You'll still envision a great outcome, but magically, your standards will drop dramatically.
Now that you have some expectations based in reality, identify the good habits that you have relied on in the past to get you to the finish line. Continue using those. Expand upon the ones that give you energy. Question the ones that use up your energy. Develop a 'how to' guide to clarify what works for you.
Over time, you'll begin to understand and respect your personal process to achievement, rather than your old model of acting out of fear.
3. Own that You are Enough
Ugh. This one is tough. I've had conversations with many people, mostly women, that get all kinds of misty-eyed over this one. Many of us can't even say the words, "I am enough," let alone believe them.
More often than not, this stems from some bozo in your past that either said this directly to your face or just implied it. Time. After. Time. Of course you started to believe it!
Please know this. Just because someone is unable to love you, doesn't mean that you're unlovable. That'll get you right in the feels! Poor thing. Give yourself a hug.
Questioning our enough-ness occurs in romantic relationships, in families, with friends, in school. You name it. Humans are hard-wired to believe that we'll be cast out for being fundamentally flawed. Other self-doubting humans feed on that. And so it goes.
Tired of feeling like you don't quite measure up?
Try this: Outline your strengths, talents and accomplishments. Identify what makes you uniquely you. Realize that there is no one else quite like you. There must be a reason we all have different perspectives, personalities and abilities. What makes you different? Write a personal statement about who you are. Own it. That right there is proof of your enough-ness.
While you're at it, look yourself in the mirror and say, "I am enough. I am worthy." Remind yourself of this every single day. It's awkward and tough, but one day you'll actually start to believe it.
4. Set Boundaries
Speaking of bozos... the only way to beat them back is with some good old fashioned boundaries. Amirite?
Wait. What does it actually mean to set boundaries? This is embarrassing, but I'm so bad with boundaries that at one point I literally had to look it up. I had a vague idea of the concept, but I was also pretty sure I wasn't doing it effectively.
Here's my big takeaway: setting boundaries with others is really about respecting yourself. *mind blown*
Ok, so I had some idea that was what it was about. But I don't think I really internalized that concept. I certainly didn't act on it. I was so focused on helping other people that I forgot to respect myself in the process.
At one point, I was in so deep that I believed I had been given some unique gift to help the helpless, to bear great burdens to lift others up, and endure what others simply weren't capable of. Cringeworthy.
In the midst of that embarrassingly low point, I went to an insightful counselor that said the following after listening to my tale of woe:
"Just because you can handle a difficult situation, doesn't mean you should."
- Insightful Counselor Guy
W.T.A.F. Why didn't someone mention this nugget sooner??? Best. Advice. Of. My. Freaking. Life.
I'm not exaggerating when I say that one sentence changed the trajectory of my life. Before that point, it hadn't occurred to me that it wasn't my lot in life to handle all the difficult situations, difficult problems and difficult people.
I actually thought it was my calling to consistently be the bigger person and handle the tough stuff that others are unable or unwilling to tackle. What a load of steaming hot crap. Insightful counselor guy helped me realize I was simply a good mark for takers.
For those of us that struggle with the concept of boundary setting, helpful tips are surprisingly sparse. What I learned, the hard way, is to start by identifying how someone or something makes me feel and decide how much energy I should spend on it.
I ask myself if the relationship, opportunity, goal, etc. fills me up or drains me. Do I feel joy? Or do I feel dread? Evaluate all areas of your life to determine how much time it deserves. The categories look something like this:
- JOY! - Feels awesome, increases energy and joy. Be grateful for these babies. They're the stuff happiness and fulfillment is made of.
Direct ~65% of your energy here
- SOMETIMES JOY - Feels awesome, increases energy and joy.... sometimes. With some attention, some of these could move up to JOY! status. Just remember that not everything worth doing brings joy all of the time.
Direct ~20% of your energy here
- MEH - Feels ok, neutral. You feel pretty ambivalent, not positive or negative. These can include current obligations or things you wish to change, re-evaluate or re-categorize. This is your 'keepin' it real bucket.' Some things are just a necessary part of life.
Direct ~10% of your energy here
- NOPE! - Feels draining, zaps energy and invites a sense of dread. Get these buggers out of your life whenever possible. Negative energy moves fast and attaches quickly. The best way to deal is to get it out of your life. If it must remain in your life, limit the time and energy you spend on it.
Direct ~5% of your energy here
Ready to set some effective boundaries?
Try this: Very clearly identify what you want in your life and what you don't using the Joy Index. If you don't know what you value, effective boundary setting is impossible. Write it down. Develop a manifesto if you have to.
Start outlining your deal-breakers. Your non-negotiables. The type of sh*t you're just not willing to put up with. For many of us, this is the root of the problem. We don't know what we want... so we just put up with... whatever.
Once you have your deal-breakers, back that up a smidge. Outline what you actually want. Determine how you want to treat others and the way you deserve to be treated. Clarify the types of things that bring you joy. What do you want to accomplish in your life? Be specific. When you know what you want, boundary setting becomes much easier and clearer.
Now comes the hard part, loving yourself enough to communicate your expectations to others and following through when you know a situation is not in alignment with what you want for yourself.
Lots of luck!
5. Forgive Yourself
We are harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else. We keep a tally of every last thing we did wrong in our lives and live in regret.
The simple fact is that you can't change the past. What's done is done. Regret stems from using new information to analyze an old problem. You must remember that you did what you did based on the information you had at the time and where you were on your development path. It was impossible for you to utilize the lessons you hadn't learned yet.
Forgiveness is not about condoning what you did.
It's about not condemning yourself by letting go. Don't allow a story of pain and regret to have power over your life.
Try this: Let yourself off the hook and start loving yourself again.
Start by recognizing your regrets and the things you wished you did differently. Think long and hard about reasons why you did what you did. You probably had some good reasons. And even if you can't come up with any, realize that we all do stupid stuff. We all make mistakes. A lot of them. No one is immune.
Accept your part in what you did, learn from it, and let it go.
6. Appreciate Yourself Like a Loved One
Still having a hard time figuring out how to appreciate yourself and share the love? Don't worry. It's not your fault. You're just out of practice.
Try this: Start by envisioning the person you love most in the world. Think about how grateful you are to have them in your life. Imagine the things you would say to express yourself to that person. Feel the love with every bit of your being. Got that feeling? While you're feeling warm and fuzzy, share some of that goodness with yourself.
Quickly, before your mind has a chance to realize that you've changed channels, think of all the things you've got going for you. Be specific. Appreciate yourself. Love yourself.
Once you learn to love yourself, you're ready to start taking some right actions. Then watch everything else fall in line.