3. Reveal Your Self
“to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
- ralph waldo emerson
Humans are masters of creating complex societal rules and norms. And as social creatures with a strong desire to belong, we're hard-wired to conform. We spend years striving to be who we think other people want us to be.
This leads to a series of roles and a closet full of masks. We all have them: child, sibling, student, friend, neighbor, parent, spouse, employee, boss... the list is infinite.
When we master each unique set of rules and standards that outline what we "should" do to play a certain role successfully, our behavior is reinforced. People like us! We're adulting! We belong! Success!
Here's the rub. Over time we get lost in that sea of "shoulds" and our unique light begins to dim. We see ourselves primarily through the lens of the roles we play. We forget who we are.
We start to feel lost, like something's missing. Since we can't really identify what that something is, we keep going through the motions. Day. After. Day.
When we wear the masks we seem fine to everyone else, and they seem fine to us. Everyone's fine. Right? Or has the discontent simply normalized?
We put on a good front, but in our quiet moments we secretly worry that we're not making the most of our lives. But because we don't really know what the it is, or what to do about it, we keep chugging along striving to achieve standards that someone else laid out for us.
This disconnect comes at a cost. We literally feel the gap. Modern society is tired, stressed, busy, distracted, numb.
Listen to NPR for five minutes and you'll recognize this as a first world problem. However, that doesn't mean it's not serious. Stress-related diseases and disorders have been on the rise for decades and are reaching epidemic proportions.
WHY DON'T YOU FEEL FULFILLED?
We're playing the game by the rules we were taught. We're doing what we were told would make us happy. Why aren't we happy?
The longer you play along, the farther you get from who you are - your true nature. When you're out of alignment, you won't feel fulfilled. Ever.
You'll never feel like you're on the path to achieving your full potential. You'll experience some momentary spikes of happiness and satisfaction, but you'll never close that aching gap.
Most of us know that actively numbing ourselves with alcohol, drugs, endless media and other distractions won't fill the void.
But here's what many of us miss: achievements don't lead to fulfillment either. Not college degrees, fancy job titles, tons of money, a dream home, cool stuff, losing that last ten pounds, accomplishing every goal on your vision board - nothing.
If it's not achievement, what is the secret to reaching fulfillment?
the secret to reach fulfillment
I've recently discovered the secret to fulfillment. I didn't come up with it. It's not a new concept. Many wise people before me figured it out long ago.
Like most things in life worth knowing, it's complex in it's simplicity. It's only found through introspection, intuition and mindfulness. And it's impossible to understand its significance until you're ready.
Are you ready? Here it is:
To feel fulfilled you must know your true self. Discover the nuances that make you uniquely you. own your strengths and reveal them to the world. show up. be you.
You've heard some version of this before, right? So had I. But I wasn't truly ready for it.
I spent years chasing goals and achievements on my to-do list that I felt "should" make me happy. And they did, for a while. But the nagging feeling that I was meant to do something else, contribute more, just wouldn't go away.
Sure, I listened to a lot of podcasts and read a lot of helpful books. I spent a lot of time on my personal development and self-improvement. I knew in my rational mind what I needed to do.
But I didn't do it. Not fully. It wasn't until I dedicated myself to a daily meditation practice that the pieces finally came together for me and I internalized the following concept.
Knowing yourself is all you can ever really know or have any hope of controlling. it's your primary purpose. it's the meaning of life. Everything else you do is dependent upon that. there are no shortcuts. if you skimp on this step, you'll end up coming back to it. Years. Later. or worse yet, you'll never get back to it at all.
I'm not talking about the surface layers of self. I'm talking about the deep sh*t. The person you are underneath it all. No masks. No filters. Your true Self with a capital S. The unique life energy that makes you tick.
You'll need to understand and reckon with the other layers since they are separate, but inseparable, interacting and overlapping. But the deep work lies in revealing your true Self, something many of us never achieve in our lifetime.
Over the years, I have explored four main layers of self:
- Who I show the world - a spit-shined, sh*t-together version of myself, confident and more polite and reserved than my internal monologue, filtered and finely-tuned to whatever mask I'm currently wearing, a chameleon
- Who I am when I'm alone - a bit less of the things above, natural, ridiculously casual, no masks, confident but with high expectations for myself and my fair share of negative self-talk
- My authentic personality - important clues to my true Self, my natural preferences and abilities, my strengths (labels for my greatest areas for growth) and weaknesses (the opposite of my preferences and abilities)
- My true Self - the unique life energy I've been given, discoverable only through intuition and mindfulness, who I started out to be in this life and who I need to reveal to be fulfilled
Perhaps you recognize something similar in yourself?
Get to Know Yourself
The first two layers are relatively easy to assess. Pay attention to who you are and what you do in the world and also when you're alone. Jot it all down. Journal about it. Whatever feels right to you. At this stage, you're just recognizing your behavior and objectively documenting it.
Your authentic personality is a bit harder to get at. Most of us aren't very good at understanding our preferences, strengths and weaknesses. We tend to take our strengths for granted because they come easy to us. We tend to be hyper-focused on weaknesses and spin our wheels trying to overcome them.
There are countless assessments you can take to help you categorize and put language to your behaviors and natural way of being. Three that I use and find particularly helpful are StrengthsFinder 2.0, 16 Personalities and VIA Character Strengths:
- StrengthsFinder 2.0 - Gallup book that includes a code for an online assessment that measures your natural patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving to reveal your talents (affiliate link)
- 16 Personalities - a Myers Briggs type personality assessment
- VIA Character Strengths - identifies and ranks your character strengths; these are helpful in identifying personal values
StrengthsFinder is the only one that costs money to get preliminary results. But for less than $20, you get a hardcover book as well as a surprisingly detailed report of how your strengths show up according to your personal results. The information is worth many, many times the sticker price.
While no assessment will ever describe a person completely, it's a useful tool. Assessments can help identify and put language to the intricacies of personality that we struggle to do ourselves. Don't fall into the trap of getting stuck on the particulars, use them as a guide.
Write a Personal Statement
Once you have the results, see what you identify with. Put the information into your own words. Write a personal statement that describes who you are. Write about it in your journal, use it on your resume, recall it when someone asks about your strengths during a job interview.
Knowing and internalizing your preferences and strengths will help you to own them and start making decisions that are in alignment with who you are.
Exploring those first three layers of self mentioned above got me pointed me in the right direction. It helped me break out of habits I picked up along the way that were never mine to begin with. I learned why I like the things I like and do the things I do. It helped me understand my motivations. I discovered why certain activities feel right and cause a state of flow and others feel wrong and cause me to struggle.
If you're feeling stuck, perhaps a little self discovery is in order. How can you possibly make good decisions for your life if you've never done the work to own who you are and really know what you like? Spoiler alert. You can't.
In my experience, most people struggle with this. We're convinced we know who we are. But more often than not, we're just seeing a reflection of ourselves through the eyes of others.
You must comb through the clutter to rediscover who you are.
Reveal Your Self
If you do the work to truly understand and internalize your authentic personality, you're ahead of the curve. It's hard work and you may not always like what you see, but it will exponentially increase your capacity to design a life you love and you'll be happier while doing it.
While understanding your authentic personality is just a stepping stone to the big reveal, I've found that it contains invaluable information about your true Self. Knowing your natural preferences and strengths will help guide you in the next part of your journey.
You'll gain the confidence to show up. Be you. Be seen. Being true to who you are makes it much easier to walk with fear and have the courage to do difficult things anyways.
You'll get yourself pointed in the right direction and start making decisions with your best interests in mind, which reveals your true north. Life is always easier when we know where we're headed.
Since knowing your true Self the big one, the meaning of life, discussing it is much longer than a blog post. Those on the path spend a lifetime discovering, learning and growing.
What I can tell you is that if you want to get a glimpse of the path, meditate. Every. Damn. Day. 20 minutes. Just do it. It's surest way to get past the clutter in your mind and reconnect with the treasure trove of information filed away in your unconscious mind. Meditation, reflection and acceptance peel back layers of masks and reveal the Self.
Once we own who we are and what we bring to the world, we need to start loving ourselves again.